Lonely. Depressed. Confused.
You know the feeling you get when you want to be happy but you just can't? When you can laugh and smile and have fun but it's just not the same anymore? When you feel like you're losing yourself?
Sad. Frustrated. Hopeless.
You know the feeling you get when a really good friend leaves? When you feel like you're missing something inside? When you know nothing is ever gonna make it right again?
Hurt. Heartbroken. Disappointed.
You know the feeling you get when that person moves on? When that person replaces you with someone else? When that person pretends that you don't exist, that you never meant anything in the first place?
Grief. Resent. Vulnerable.
You know the feeling you get when you know that you messed up? When you know that it's all your fault? When you know that there's nothing you can do to fix it?
Anger. Guilt. Regret.
You know the feeling you get when everything starts falling apart?
F e a r .
You know the feeling you get when you start to get over it?
Hope. Relief. Courage.
You know the feeling you get when you finally start to forgive yourself? When you realize that it's not worth the tears anymore? When you realize that you're better than this?
Secure. Confident. Peace.
You know the feeling you get when you can go a whole day without feeling bad about yourself? When you know that you're loved? When you can go a day without thinking about it?
Optimistic. Tranquil. Happy.
You know the feeling you get when you realize that you don't need them anymore? When their name just doesn't make you smile anymore? When you start to really laugh and really smile?
Calm. Strong. Together.
You know the feeling you get when you're comfortable being alone with your thoughts? When you know that everything's gonna be okay? When you know that you're gonna be okay?
the end of our fight
where nothing felt right
now even in the nightlight
here's to today
where i'll waste away
pretending i'm okay
i have nothing to say
here's to tomorrow
already full of sorrow
my broken heart is hollow
it's all so hard to swallow
and here's to forever
'cause you promised me forever
and lie, you would never
but it's too late now, it's over.
Freshman year I tried out for soccer, because soccer is what makes me happy, it's my happy place in this world of doom and gloom. It's something that I always feel comfortable doing, not because I'm good, but because I really don't care what other people say, because I love playing. Unfortunately, when the list of names was posted up against the gym door after tryouts, my name wasn't on it. I had been cut. I was crushed, but I got over it.
Sophomore year was much the same. And to my disappointment I was cut, again. I didn't understand. They say that when you fall down, the strong get right back up. And I got right back up from freshman year's, in my book, failure, and I had tried out again. So why didn't I make it? I was better than half the girls that tried out...Once again, I was crushed. But instead of sitting around everyday from 2 in the afternoon to around 6 at night, one of my friends introduced me to cross country. It was like nothing I had ever done before. As a freshman, I'd see people from the cross country team running miles and miles a day and I'd think to myself, who the hell would ever join cross country willingly?? Ironically, I found myself running those miles and miles a day. The running was tough, I mean really tough, both physically and mentally, but I did it. The coach was a bitch, but my teammates were no less than amazing. They found ways to keep me laughing on days where all I wanted to do was quit, they were the best support system I could have asked for. Being so supportive and accepting, they became my second family.
But, as much as I liked cross country, or rather as much as I liked the team, I hadn't given up on soccer just yet. So, as I walked onto the soccer field for tryouts junior year, I thought to myself, third time's the charm. Well apparently third time wasn't the charm, and by the end of tryouts, I was sure something was wrong with the coaches. I was cut for the third time. So, I turned back to cross country. Once again, my teammates were amazing, and my second family grew closer and closer. If I had cut out the part where my coach called me negative and told me that I brought the whole team down, then it would have been an almost perfect year. The running became more and more bearable as I got stronger and stronger, and I started falling in love with cross country, not as much as I loved soccer, but pretty close.
So when senior year rolled around, I had a choice to make. Soccer, the love of my life, or cross country, the sport where my second family was, the sport that I had begun to love too? I thought over this question for days, trying to reason with myself that one choice was better over the other, trying to convince myself that soccer would be the best choice. But then I thought about it, I really thought about it. And I realized that maybe the reason that I didn't make the soccer team any of the years that I tried out was because I wasn't supposed to make the soccer team. Not trying to be cocky, but I'm not a bad soccer player, so maybe I didn't make the team because I somehow was meant to be on cross country.
Today was the first day of soccer tryouts. But, today was also the first day of cross country tryouts. I went to cross country tryouts. And as I looked across the field where the soccer players were passing and dribbling, I realized that I'm okay with my decision, that I don't regret not trying out for soccer. And when I looked around at the faces sitting around me, I smiled, and for once in a long while, I truly felt happy, and I truly felt a sense of belonging.
It was then that I knew that, even when I felt like the running was going to be the end of me, this was the sport that I loved, and that these were the people that I loved, the people who would stand by me and support me no matter what. And I knew that I wouldn't be happy anywhere else. Why? Because cross country is where I belong.
Sometimes I think about what used to be, and I realize that after everything that's happened, and after everything I've done, it's never going to be the same. The pieces are never going to come together for me. Sure, it'll be the same for everyone else. They won't even notice that I'm not there. It'll be as if I never existed at all. It'll be as if I was never a big part in their lives. And that's when it starts to really hurt.
These thoughts make the already falling tears stream faster. In the dark, the tears are easy to hide, the pain is easy to hide. But what happens when the sun comes up? It hurts to think that other people will be worried about me...I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I want to be left to deal with this on my own. I don't want people to care, because I need to feel horrible by myself. I need people to stop asking me when they know I'm not okay. I can't hide the pain. I can't make it disappear, and in a sick way it's a good thing. The pain is a tiny reminder that what used to be...was real. The remaining sting is proof that it's not just a dream. That I did have something great once. But, it's also a reminder that that great thing...is gone.
I don't even know if that "great thing" was so great. I think back on all the bad things. And how much the situation hurt me. But then I'm overwhelmed with everything good about it, everything that I miss, everything that makes me regret whatever I've done to end this.
But, as much as I should, I don't blame them for leaving. I wouldn't want to be my friend either. I would do the same thing to me if I were them. I would put me down and stomp all over me if I were them. I would treat me like shit if I were them. I would leave myself too if I were them. Because I don't deserve anything else...
But then I look back. And everything is different. The people I used to be friends with are gone. The people I used to trust I now mistrust. The people who used to accept me don't anymore. The same people who used to comfort me don't care about how I feel now. The people who used to always be there for me have left, and they don't plan on coming back.
So why is that? Why is it that everything is the same yet everything is so different? Maybe it's because the changes are small. So small that we hardly notice them while they are happening. Maybe everything changes every day, we just don't realize it until later when we can see the difference that has been made, when we can see the changes in our life.
Sometimes I wonder why things change. I wonder why bad things happen. I wonder why people stop caring and why people leave. And each time I wonder about these things, I feel even more lost than I did before. I don't know why things change, or why bad things happen, or why people stop caring and leave, but I do know one thing--sometimes there's just nothing we can do to change the change that is happening...
happy birthdaay emiliaa! I can't believe you're finally seventeen! So we've been friends for..how long now? Let's see. We met in fifth grade when you "found" Maryssa's pencil on the ground. And then there was sixth grade when we were like biffs and Olivia Lawson yelled at you for writing congratulations Bush on the chalkboard of Mrs. Robinson's class. Then there was seventh grade when you tried to push Marisa out of a window(: hahah and you me Karina and Marisa were in the guidance office like every single day for like two weeks in a row. Oh and there was also that time that I screamed at you in Mrs. Ryan's classroom. Good times good times! haha jk. And then there was eighth grade. DRAMA. haha we were friends and you liked this boy and then I ended up "dating" him and then you were mad and then I got mad because you would call him like every day and talk to him for hours. Maybe I was just jealous that it was so easy for you to talk to boys. For you to talk to people in general. It's probably because you're gorgeous and people love talking to you. Moving on to ninth grade we were friends again! And then more drama in tenth grade and then junior year. I feel like all the drama that goes on between us just brings us even more closer than we were before. Or the fact that we're fighting a common enemy...haha that could be a reason too! Alright now not really fighting an enemy...but we're both basically being excluded from a certain group with certain people who for some reason think it's okay to use us as just a last resort or when they're left with no one to talk to. That's seven years. And if you put a two in front of that seven. You get a twenty seven. Twenty seven is the minimum amount of years I want to be friends with you. Twenty seven is also the number of times I wish I could tell you that you were beautiful every single day, because I don't think you know it. And finally, twenty seven, or the twenty seventh, is the day you were born. It's your birthday! Or rather in just under four hours it will be your birthday. But I'm posting this now, so that you can feel beautiful and loved from even before you're birthday ends until tomorrow night when you're birthday ends. And hopefully I can keep you convinced long after that(: I'm extremely glad you were born emilia. Like you have noo idea. You're basically the only one who I can talk to about anything and everything now. You're the only one who I've been able to do that with for awhile now. And we all know how hard it is to find someone who understands everything you're going through and is always there when you need them. One who can make you smile on your worst days and who loves you no matter what you do. One who won't leave. If it weren't for you I don't know where I'd be today, but I guaratee you that I'd be in worse shape than I am now. I thank God every day for giving me such a beautiful, supportive, and amazing best friend!
I love youuuu(:
well not literally, since every minute is exactly 60 seconds and the seconds are always at the same length, but you know what i mean.
so youre sitting there, on your bed, or your couch, or your floor, or wherever the heck you happen to be. and you look at your phone every second, hoping to see the screen light up. and every other one second you click one of the buttons, forcing the screen to light up, checking to see if maybe you missed the little buzz that alerts you of a new message.
after a minute of glancing and clicking at your phone, you open up your sent box to make sure the message actually sent. theres nothing more annoying than waiting for a text back from someone and then finally giving up and deciding they arent going to text back, only to realize that your "sent" message never actually sent.
so you make sure it sent. and it did. but they STILL havent responded. it's been a minute and a half. youre getting scared now, because it feels like its been forever. maybe they have fallen asleep, or have gone to the store, or got into the shower, or done something that has kept them from responding.
its been a minute and 50 seconds now. and you draw a mental picture of them, giving them a mental punishment for ignoring you.
at a minute 54, you open up the message, debating whether or not to send it again. would that be annoying? is that why they stopped texting back? are they annoyed? do they hate you? oh no, what have you done?...
you move your finger away from the send button 4 seconds later, deciding that you must have done something wrong and clearly they do not want to talk to you any more.
its been a minute and 59 seconds, and youre about to turn off your phone in disappointment. you will wait another second before smashing down the power button. they have one second to respond. its been waaay too long. or so it feels.
2 minutes. you move to turn your phone off. but as your finger touches the power key, the screen lights up.
THEY'VE TEXTED YOU BACK!
you know what I think? I think it's a smart strategy. see girl number two might think that girl number one is just trying to be her friend and be nice, but really, girl number one is only pretending to be girl number two's best friend to keep an eye on her. you see by keeping her enemy, or the ex-girlfriend of her current boyfriend, under her wing as a friend, girl number two begins to trust girl number one and she starts telling girl number one all these secrets while girl number one just sits back and soaks up all this information to use as blackmail.
but, what if girl number two is doing the same thing as girl number one? what if girl number two is just pretending to be best friends with girl number one just like girl number one is just pretending to be best friends with her?
DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN !
So this is my first blog post(:
Today was a beautiful day. It was in the high 80's and the sun was out shining. It was a perfect day for a...game of tennis. At precisely 12:48 in the afternoon, I started to prepare myself to play tennis. I picked up my bright orange drawstring bag, threw my racket and balls inside and pulled it closed. I then proceeded to make a peanut butter sandwich, carefully pulling the crust off when I was finished.
DUN DUN DUN DUNNNN.
I arrived at the park at exactly 12:59 pm. I went into the tennis courts and began to stretch for the intense game of...tennis. After stretching every muscle from head to toe, I pulled out my racket and did one of those dramatically slow, intimidating strides onto the court. It only took one stride, but that one stride was the most intense stride I've ever taken. I can hear that chinese music that signifies tension playing in the background as I eye my opponents. I serve...and the ball goes over the fence. YES! I do a victory lap around my side of the court. I'm definitely in it to win it.
Alright, so I lost the game. But that's perfectly okay because after being crushed on the court I came home and ate a can of Pringles.
It's chill. My life is legit.