oh hey.

It's easier to say that you don't care Than to admit that you're hurt.




Same thing everyday
it’s one of those routines
wake up, find a way
to uncover what life means.

End the day, make it fast
get through it all alone
we all know that nothing lasts
every problem becomes your own.

Sit in the corner, cry it out
while holding yourself together
don’t tell no one what it’s about
‘cause you know they won’t stay forever.

Stand up, crawl in bed
struggle through the pain
forget what they all said
they left you in the rain.

Say goodbye to everyone
you’re leaving them behind
promise them that you’re done
date at the top and sign.

Walk away and don’t look back
they never cared at all
now company is what you lack
no one will catch you when you fall.


it never changes.

Every day is the same. It's like a big cycle. I wake up, survive through the day, and go bad to sleep. Nothing ever changes. The same people hate me. The same people are fake to me. The same people make jokes about me that aren't funny. The same people leave me out. The same people talk about me. The same people laugh at me. The same people make inside jokes without me. The same people never notice that I'm gone. And then the same people try to comfort me. The same people try to help me. And every time the same thing happens, and every time the comforting never works. Nothing ever changes.

But then I look back. And everything is different. The people I used to be friends with are gone. The people I used to trust I now mistrust. The people who used to accept me don't anymore. The same people who used to comfort me don't care about how I feel now. The people who used to always be there for me have left, and they don't plan on coming back.

So why is that? Why is it that everything is the same yet everything is so different? Maybe it's because the changes are small. So small that we hardly notice them while they are happening. Maybe everything changes every day, we just don't realize it until later when we can see the difference that has been made, when we can see the changes in our life.

Sometimes I wonder why things change. I wonder why bad things happen. I wonder why people stop caring and why people leave. And each time I wonder about these things, I feel even more lost than I did before. I don't know why things change, or why bad things happen, or why people stop caring and leave, but I do know one thing--sometimes there's just nothing we can do to change the change that is happening...



happy birthdaay emiliaa! I can't believe you're finally seventeen! So we've been friends for..how long now?  Let's see. We met in fifth grade when you "found" Maryssa's pencil on the ground. And then there was sixth grade when we were like biffs and Olivia Lawson yelled at you for writing congratulations Bush on the chalkboard of Mrs. Robinson's class. Then there was seventh grade when you tried to push Marisa out of a window(: hahah and you me Karina and Marisa were in the guidance office like every single day for like two weeks in a row. Oh and there was also that time that I screamed at you in Mrs. Ryan's classroom. Good times good times! haha jk. And then there was eighth grade. DRAMA. haha we were friends and you liked this boy and then I ended up "dating" him and then you were mad and then I got mad because you would call him like every day and talk to him for hours. Maybe I was just jealous that it was so easy for you to talk to boys. For you to talk to people in general. It's probably because you're gorgeous and people love talking to you. Moving on to ninth grade we were friends again! And then more drama in tenth grade and then junior year. I feel like all the drama that goes on between us just brings us even more closer than we were before. Or the fact that we're fighting a common enemy...haha that could be a reason too! Alright now not really fighting an enemy...but we're both basically being excluded from a certain group with certain people who for some reason think it's okay to use us as just a last resort or when they're left with no one to talk to. That's seven years. And if you put a two in front of that seven. You get a twenty seven. Twenty seven is the minimum amount of years I want to be friends with you. Twenty seven is also the number of times I wish I could tell you that you were beautiful every single day, because I don't think you know it. And finally, twenty seven, or the twenty seventh, is the day you were born. It's your birthday! Or rather in just under four hours it will be your birthday. But I'm posting this now, so that you can feel beautiful and loved from even before you're birthday ends until tomorrow night when you're birthday ends. And hopefully I can keep you convinced long after that(: I'm extremely glad you were born emilia. Like you have noo idea. You're basically the only one who I can talk to about anything and everything now. You're the only one who I've been able to do that with for awhile now. And we all know how hard it is to find someone who understands everything you're going through and is always there when you need them. One who can make you smile on your worst days and who loves you no matter what you do. One who won't leave. If it weren't for you I don't know where I'd be today, but I guaratee you that I'd be in worse shape than I am now. I thank God every day for giving me such a beautiful, supportive, and amazing best friend!

So today (or tomorrow) is your day emilia. And I hope it's as amazing and wonderful as you are! Thank you for always being there for me, through the rain and the shine(: , and I want you to know that I'll always be there for you. No matter how late in the night it is, or how far away I am, or how big of a fight we are in, you can always call me and I'll be there(:

I love youuuu(:





the feeling of not being close. the feeling that things around you have gotten so bad that even the ones who once were so close to you can no longer understand. the feeling that youre alone.

I look into the distance
Not knowing what I’ll find
It’s been awhile since things’ve made sense
And I can’t make up my mind

I feel so alone, waiting for things to change
I wait and wait and wait
For things to rearrange
But maybe it’s too late

Too late to change the past
I need to change what’s now
‘Cause forever doesn’t last
And it’s not worth my vow

I need to get away from here
Away from all the pain
Things’ll only get worse I fear
So tell me, why do I remain?

I want to run away
From you and all your shit
I’ve got nothing to say
To you and that I’ll admit

So many things you’ve done
You didn’t even realize
So I need to leave, to run
Before more tears fall from these eyes

It’s getting worse and worse
This is exactly what I need
And I’m leaving now, it’s a first
But my absence you won’t heed

That’s okay, I’ll be alright
As soon as you’re finally, out of my sight.

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& honestly...


the longest 2 minutes of your life.

you know when youre having a really intense conversation with someone, or you send a risky text, and you want them to respond right away? the two minutes they take to respond are the longest two minutes of your life.

well not literally, since every minute is exactly 60 seconds and the seconds are always at the same length, but you know what i mean.

so youre sitting there, on your bed, or your couch, or your floor, or wherever the heck you happen to be. and you look at your phone every second, hoping to see the screen light up. and every other one second you click one of the buttons, forcing the screen to light up, checking to see if maybe you missed the little buzz that alerts you of a new message.

after a minute of glancing and clicking at your phone, you open up your sent box to make sure the message actually sent. theres nothing more annoying than waiting for a text back from someone and then finally giving up and deciding they arent going to text back, only to realize that your "sent" message never actually sent.

so you make sure it sent. and it did. but they STILL havent responded. it's been a minute and a half. youre getting scared now, because it feels like its been forever. maybe they have fallen asleep, or have gone to the store, or got into the shower, or done something that has kept them from responding.

its been a minute and 50 seconds now. and you draw a mental picture of them, giving them a mental punishment for ignoring you.

at a minute 54, you open up the message, debating whether or not to send it again. would that be annoying? is that why they stopped texting back? are they annoyed? do they hate you? oh no, what have you done?...

you move your finger away from the send button 4 seconds later, deciding that you must have done something wrong and clearly they do not want to talk to you any more.

its been a minute and 59 seconds, and youre about to turn off your phone in disappointment. you will wait another second before smashing down the power button. they have one second to respond. its been waaay too long. or so it feels.

2 minutes. you move to turn your phone off. but as your finger touches the power key, the screen lights up.



keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...

So you know the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Well I was thinking about that today, and I realized people actually do that...Like I know this girl, we'll call her girl number one. So original I know. Anyways, girl number one absolutely cant stand this other girl, girl number two, because girl number two used to date her boyfriend. buuuut girl number one doesnt tell girl number two that she hates her. no! she pretends to be girl number two's best friend.


you know what I think? I think it's a smart strategy. see girl number two might think that girl number one is just trying to be her friend and be nice, but really, girl number one is only pretending to be girl number two's best friend to keep an eye on her. you see by keeping her enemy, or the ex-girlfriend of her current boyfriend, under her wing as a friend, girl number two begins to trust girl number one and she starts telling girl number one all these secrets while girl number one just sits back and soaks up all this information to use as blackmail.


but, what if girl number two is doing the same thing as girl number one? what if girl number two is just pretending to be best friends with girl number one just like girl number one is just pretending to be best friends with her?


The Nightmare Before Prom

“No, no, no, no!” I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that when I opened them I’d be back in my bed.
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“Beep. Beep. BEEP. BEEP!” My alarm clock got louder and louder the longer I waited to turn it off.
“Ugh.” I smashed down the off button and rolled out of bed. I was just about to start complaining to myself about having to go to school when I realized…tonight was prom!
Immediately I was awake and ready to start the day. I walked into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. Well I could have used a little more sleep last night. I shook my head and began my morning routine. Taking each contact out of the case, I slid them into my eyes one at a time. I grabbed my neon green toothbrush and Colgate toothpaste off the rack next to the sink. After putting a plump of paste onto my toothbrush and running my toothbrush under cold water, I began to brush to the toon of “Break Your Heart” by Tao Cruz, which played softly from my shower radio. I spit out the remainder of the paste from my mouth and rinsed. Ahh nice and fresh. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Checking the clock, and realizing that I was four and a half minutes behind schedule, I quickly washed my face and threw on sweats and a t-shirt.
I hopped down the carpet-padded stairs to the kitchen, where my brother sat at the table eating Cocoa Pebbles. I pulled out my favorite cereal, Blueberry MiniWheats, put some into a bowl, poured two percent milk on top, and started eating.
I finished my cereal, grabbed my brown paper bag lunch, and headed out the door, backpack over shoulder, to where my friend, Sam, waited in her car.
“Good morning Sam!” I slammed the car door shut, “Ready for tonight?!”
“You have noo idea!”
“Ah, I’m so excited!” We continued to talk about our excitement for the rest of the fifteen minute drive to school.
The day passed slowly, and every time I looked at the clock, the second hand seemed to move slower and slower until finally the final bell rang. I rushed home. Tonight was a big night, and I had to look my best, so I’d need as much time as I could get to prepare.
I started with my hair. I pulled my black hairbrush from my sink drawer and began to brush through my silky blonde hair. And then something happened…my brush started pulling out huge chunks of blonde hair from my skull! I looked in the mirror, only to find that half of my head was already bald and the rest of my hair was falling off like a waterfall! Oh no…After twenty minutes of freaking out, I decided that I would just have to go to prom bald.
Next was my dress. I went into my closet where I had hung my purple, satin, floor length dress, only to find a purple astronaut suit in its place. What the hell…? I put on the astronaut suit and looked in the mirror.
Alright so I was going to prom, bald in an astronaut suit. But it could have been worse right? Like at least the astronaut suit was purple…and I didn’t look too bad in it.
After my parents took pictures of me in my astronaut suit, I headed out to the front of my house where my limo was waiting. Or where my limo was supposed to be waiting…Greaaat.
I looked around for something I could drive instead. I’m going to be soo late! Suddenly, I remembered that my neighbor had parked his horse in his garage. And it must have been my lucky minute, because his garage door was wide open.
I jumped on Horsey, which was the name of his horse, and rode off to prom. Turns out prom wasn’t in the beautiful Sansan hotel, but in a…brown barn? Okay then…I parked Horsey next to all the limos that other people had arrived in and walked into the barn ballroom, where I danced the night away in my purple astronaut suit.
After prom, the after party was held at my house. All the guests arrived right on time, and they ate from platters of…cheese that were around the room? Sam was there, but her dress seemed to have grown three sizes too big and now hung around her ankles…What is going on…All of a sudden, the party was interrupted by a loud beeping noise that filled the air. The guests looked around in confusion and fear. Giant pillows came down from the sky and started attacking my house!
“No, no, no, no!” I squeezed my eyes shut, rolling back and forth, still screaming “no.” This was not how my prom and my party were supposed to go. My arms flew wildly out of control until they hit something hard. Silence. I opened my eyes. Everything was so bright. My eyes adjusted just in time to see a large, fluffy pillow coming towards my face.
“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” It was my brother trying to wake me up by hitting me in the face with pillows. I looked around. I was still in my bed. I ran to the mirror. My hair was still there! I ran to my closet. My purple, satin dress was not an astronaut suit! I breathed a sigh of relief. It had all been a dream…and there were no pillows attacking my house, just my brother attacking me. And the only loud beeping noise had been coming from my alarm clock trying to wake me up for the exciting day and night ahead of me. Prom was tonight.


So this is my first blog post(:

Today was a beautiful day. It was in the high 80's and the sun was out shining. It was a perfect day for a...game of tennis. At precisely 12:48 in the afternoon, I started to prepare myself to play tennis. I picked up my bright orange drawstring bag, threw my racket and balls inside and pulled it closed. I then proceeded to make a peanut butter sandwich, carefully pulling the crust off when I was finished. Then I left my house to take the five minute walk up to the park.


I arrived at the park at exactly 12:59 pm. I went into the tennis courts and began to stretch for the intense game of...tennis. After stretching every muscle from head to toe, I pulled out my racket and did one of those dramatically slow, intimidating strides onto the court. It only took one stride, but that one stride was the most intense stride I've ever taken. I can hear that chinese music that signifies tension playing in the background as I eye my opponents. I serve...and the ball goes over the fence. YES! I do a victory lap around my side of the court. I'm definitely in it to win it.

Alright, so I lost the game. But that's perfectly okay because after being crushed on the court I came home and ate a can of Pringles.

It's chill. My life is legit.