hurt.

And when it finally hits you, when you finally realize that it's never gonna be the same, that's when it really starts to hurt.

Sometimes I think about what used to be, and I realize that after everything that's happened, and after everything I've done, it's never going to be the same. The pieces are never going to come together for me. Sure, it'll be the same for everyone else. They won't even notice that I'm not there. It'll be as if I never existed at all. It'll be as if I was never a big part in their lives. And that's when it starts to really hurt.

These thoughts make the already falling tears stream faster. In the dark, the tears are easy to hide, the pain is easy to hide. But what happens when the sun comes up? It hurts to think that other people will be worried about me...I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I want to be left to deal with this on my own. I don't want people to care, because I need to feel horrible by myself. I need people to stop asking me when they know I'm not okay. I can't hide the pain. I can't make it disappear, and in a sick way it's a good thing. The pain is a tiny reminder that what used to be...was real. The remaining sting is proof that it's not just a dream. That I did have something great once. But, it's also a reminder that that great thing...is gone.

I don't even know if that "great thing" was so great. I think back on all the bad things. And how much the situation hurt me. But then I'm overwhelmed with everything good about it, everything that I miss, everything that makes me regret whatever I've done to end this.

But, as much as I should, I don't blame them for leaving. I wouldn't want to be my friend either. I would do the same thing to me if I were them. I would put me down and stomp all over me if I were them. I would treat me like shit if I were them. I would leave myself too if I were them. Because I don't deserve anything else...