you know the feeling you get.

You know the feeling you get when you feel all alone in a room full of people? When you know that you're surrounded by friends who care but none of them can make you feel any better? When all of those friends are willing to talk to you but you just can't find the words to describe how you feel?


Lonely. Depressed. Confused. 


You know the feeling you get when you want to be happy but you just can't? When you can laugh and smile and have fun but it's just not the same anymore? When you feel like you're losing yourself?


Sad. Frustrated. Hopeless. 


You know the feeling you get when a really good friend leaves? When you feel like you're missing something inside? When you know nothing is ever gonna make it right again?


Hurt. Heartbroken. Disappointed.

You know the feeling you get when that person moves on? When that person replaces you with someone else? When that person pretends that you don't exist, that you never meant anything in the first place?

Grief. Resent. Vulnerable.

You know the feeling you get when you know that you messed up? When you know that it's all your fault? When you know that there's nothing you can do to fix it?


Anger. Guilt. Regret.


You know the feeling you get when everything starts falling apart?



F e a r .


You know the feeling you get when you start to get over it?


Hope. Relief. Courage.


You know the feeling you get when you finally start to forgive yourself? When you realize that it's not worth the tears anymore? When you realize that you're better than this?


Secure. Confident. Peace.


You know the feeling you get when you can go a whole day without feeling bad about yourself? When you know that you're loved? When you can go a day without thinking about it?


Optimistic. Tranquil. Happy.


You know the feeling you get when you realize that you don't need them anymore? When their name just doesn't make you smile anymore? When you start to really laugh and really smile?


Calm. Strong. Together.


You know the feeling you get when you're comfortable being alone with your thoughts? When you know that everything's gonna be okay? When you know that you're gonna be okay?

race.

I run into the woods

letting everything go

losing my focus

going out of control

I push on and on

the trees whiz past

the ground is all blurry

im going way too fast

I stop and fall to the ground

as tears streak down my face

my head makes the world spin

there’s no way ill finish this race

Gotta end this right now

it’s a race against time

I gotta make it all stop

under pressure in the mind

But I cant handle the pain

its all become too great

my life was filled with love

but now all that’s left is hate.

here's to forever.

here's to last night
the end of our fight
where nothing felt right
now even in the nightlight

here's to today
where i'll waste away
pretending i'm okay
i have nothing to say

here's to tomorrow
already full of sorrow
my broken heart is hollow
it's all so hard to swallow

and here's to forever
'cause you promised me forever
and lie, you would never
but it's too late now, it's over.

toe taps are completely worthless.

Today was the first day of fall sport tryouts. Football and field hockey on the bermuda fields, soccer  on the turf and lower fields, volleyball  in the gym, and cross country everywhere. So why am I telling you this? Because I'm about to tell you what sport I play, I'm about to tell you my fall sport story.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Freshman year I tried out for soccer, because soccer is what makes me happy, it's my happy place in this world of doom and gloom. It's something that I always feel comfortable doing, not because I'm good, but because I really don't care what other people say, because I love playing. Unfortunately, when the list of names was posted up against the gym door after tryouts, my name wasn't on it. I had been cut. I was crushed, but I got over it.

Sophomore year was much the same. And to my disappointment I was cut, again. I didn't understand. They say that when you fall down, the strong get right back up. And I got right back up from freshman year's, in my book, failure, and I had tried out again. So why didn't I make it? I was better than half the girls that tried out...Once again, I was crushed. But instead of sitting around everyday from 2 in the afternoon to around 6 at night, one of my friends introduced me to cross country. It was like nothing I had ever done before. As a freshman, I'd see people from the cross country team running miles and miles a day and I'd think to myself, who the hell would ever join cross country willingly?? Ironically, I found myself running those miles and miles a day. The running was tough, I mean really tough, both physically and mentally, but I did it. The coach was a bitch, but my teammates were no less than amazing. They found ways to keep me laughing on days where all I wanted to do was quit, they were the best support system I could have asked for. Being so supportive and accepting, they became my second family.

But, as much as I liked cross country, or rather as much as I liked the team, I hadn't given up on soccer just yet. So, as I walked onto the soccer field for tryouts junior year, I thought to myself, third time's the charm. Well apparently third time wasn't the charm, and by the end of tryouts, I was sure something was wrong with the coaches. I was cut for the third time. So, I turned back to cross country. Once again, my teammates were amazing, and my second family grew closer and closer. If I had cut out the part where my coach called me negative and told me that I brought the whole team down, then it would have been an almost perfect year. The running became more and more bearable as I got stronger and stronger, and I started falling in love with cross country, not as much as I loved soccer, but pretty close.

So when senior year rolled around, I had a choice to make. Soccer, the love of my life, or cross country, the sport where my second family was, the sport that I had begun to love too? I thought over this question for days, trying to reason with myself that one choice was better over the other, trying to convince myself that soccer would be the best choice. But then I thought about it, I really thought about it. And I realized that maybe the reason that I didn't make the soccer team any of the years that I tried out was because I wasn't supposed to make the soccer team. Not trying to be cocky, but I'm not a bad soccer player, so maybe I didn't make the team because I somehow was meant to be on cross country.

Today was the first day of soccer tryouts. But, today was also the first day of cross country tryouts. I went to cross country tryouts. And as I looked across the field where the soccer players were passing and dribbling, I realized that I'm okay with my decision, that I don't regret not trying out for soccer. And when I looked around at the faces sitting around me, I smiled, and for once in a long while, I truly felt happy, and I truly felt a sense of belonging.

It was then that I knew that, even when I felt like the running was going to be the end of me, this was the sport that I loved, and that these were the people that I loved, the people who would stand by me and support me no matter what. And I knew that I wouldn't be happy anywhere else. Why? Because cross country is where I belong.

forgiveness.

They say that it’s easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

And I guess this is true, because when your friends disappoint you, you’re let down more because you expected more of them. You hurt more because you thought higher of them, so it’s harder to forgive them for making you hurt when you expected so much more out of them. An enemy you expect the least of. So when they disappoint you…well you expected it!

But with you? We're no longer "friends", but I still consider you one of the people I'm closest to, one of my best friends. And I would forgive you in a second. And it would be so easy.

When we were friends, it sometimes seemed that the more you hurt me, and the more you let me down, the easier it was to forgive you. I guess it’s because you were the one person I could never be mad at, the one person who made my life worth living. Maybe I was all too willing to give you another try, but maybe I wanted you to have another chance, maybe I wanted you to have as many chances as you needed to be a great friend. And maybe I was scared that if I didn’t forgive you…then I’d lose you forever.

In the end though, no matter how willing I was to forgive you, I still lost you.

But I still need you, and now I'm left holding on to something that’s long gone. And, after everything we’ve been through, I would still forgive you in that one second. If you ever decide that you miss me too, then I’ll be ready to forgive you, no matter how long that takes, because you’re the one person who no matter how much you hurt me, or no matter how much you let me down, I will always forgive. You’re the one person who I will always love.

pay.

Got nothing to prove

nothing left to lose

I’m on my own

living life all alone

Don’t care what you say

won’t give you the time of day

nothing matters anymore

I’m done fighting in this war

Gotta get outta this place

put a fake smile on my face

nobody knows

how my story goes

Forgetting is no good

makes it hurt more than it should

can’t escape all the pain

just end up crying in the rain

This isn’t me

isn’t who I wanna be

but the pain won’t go away

and my heart is starting to pay.

think of me.

The rain streaks down the window

I want to tell you but you already know

The thunder cracks, the lightning lights

I’m so sick and tired of all these fights

Outside it’s foggy, the inside is too

But I know no one could ever replace you

Nothing else is clear, not sure where I’m going

But I can’t go without knowing

Do you still care? Do you still need me?

No you don’t, so why can’t I see?

Why do I care? Why do I need your acceptance?

Why can’t I lean on my own independence?

Oh that’s right, you made me this way

You gave me no choice, I have nothing to say

As my self esteem dropped you turned

Left me alone, my mind to be burned

Can’t take it, with or without you

It hurts to think but I know it’s true

The latter I’ll have to take, but you chose it

So don’t give me anymore of this bullshit

When you’re hurt and lonely

Don’t you dare think of me

You did this, you ran away

And it’ll never ever be okay.

hurt.

And when it finally hits you, when you finally realize that it's never gonna be the same, that's when it really starts to hurt.

Sometimes I think about what used to be, and I realize that after everything that's happened, and after everything I've done, it's never going to be the same. The pieces are never going to come together for me. Sure, it'll be the same for everyone else. They won't even notice that I'm not there. It'll be as if I never existed at all. It'll be as if I was never a big part in their lives. And that's when it starts to really hurt.

These thoughts make the already falling tears stream faster. In the dark, the tears are easy to hide, the pain is easy to hide. But what happens when the sun comes up? It hurts to think that other people will be worried about me...I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to feel bad for me. I want to be left to deal with this on my own. I don't want people to care, because I need to feel horrible by myself. I need people to stop asking me when they know I'm not okay. I can't hide the pain. I can't make it disappear, and in a sick way it's a good thing. The pain is a tiny reminder that what used to be...was real. The remaining sting is proof that it's not just a dream. That I did have something great once. But, it's also a reminder that that great thing...is gone.

I don't even know if that "great thing" was so great. I think back on all the bad things. And how much the situation hurt me. But then I'm overwhelmed with everything good about it, everything that I miss, everything that makes me regret whatever I've done to end this.

But, as much as I should, I don't blame them for leaving. I wouldn't want to be my friend either. I would do the same thing to me if I were them. I would put me down and stomp all over me if I were them. I would treat me like shit if I were them. I would leave myself too if I were them. Because I don't deserve anything else...

sinking in.

Sinking In

It happened a day ago

feels like a year

you got up and left

me alone standing here

It’s still sinking in

and the hardest part

is knowing you won’t come after me

won’t rescue my heart

Thought I’d be glad

when you disappeared

but now I’m not sure

the pain is worse than I feared

I cry the night away

not knowing why

confused about how

I was forced to say goodbye

There’s no turning back

I know you’re gone for good

but would I change anything

if I really could

The hurt is equal

both of the ways

putting up with you

or being alone through the days

I try by myself

but before I begin

I turn to look for you

‘cuz it’s still sinking in.